Becoming an Insomniac 101

Staying up until the early hours of the morning can be fun. Really. It does not beat cavorting with unicorns and bunny rabbits in a daisy field in La La Land, but it sure does have its uses. For one, it will surely—eventually—turn you into an insomniac. “What’s great about being an insomniac?” you ask. Aside from giving you dark circles around your eyes, thereby making you look like an adorable panda (if you think pandas are adorable, that is), it will also give you a chance to whinge because you have this splitting headache and you just need to bug everyone with your complaints about it. It will also give you a valid excuse to miss work because a splitting headache, no matter what caused it, is really a valid excuse for calling in sick.

Right. So you get my point. Or not.

Anyway, if you want to turn yourself into an insomniac so you’ll enjoy the perks only available to the panda-wannabes out there, do the following:

1) At night, start doing things you don’t normally do right before your bedtime. Read a book you think is very interesting and is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat or, if you are lying while reading, on the edge of your bed. You can also play games on your computer or watch films. If you are scared of blood, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, long staircases, squeaky doors, or the voices in your head urging you to do something *cough* naughtyevil, play or watch something that feeds your fear—specifically something gory and/or scary or something so horribly lame it'd leave you tearing out your hair in frustration. See if it doesn’t keep you awake afterward. Exercising, playing hopscotch, or binging on sweets and pastries are also activities you can do. Sweets would probably give you toothache afterward, but who cares? That’s the goal, amirite? Toothache keeps you awake. If you can arrange to have your toothache at night, the better. It’s a headway to your becoming an enthusiastic insomniac;

2) Drink lots and lots of coffee at night. If after a while you feel that two or three mugs of coffee can no longer keep you awake, drink some more coffee. It would help if you eat chocolate or cake or anything sweet with your coffee;

3) Create a mantra that goes something like “Must. Stay. Awake.” If you feel yourself succumbing to Morpheus’ sweet call, repeat the mantra over and over again, loudly if you need to. If you keep others awake by your chanting, don't panic. The yelling to "Shut the holy up, you butch" that would ensue will give you an adrenaline rush in the need to defend yourself from such unsolicited attack. Adrenaline rush = staying awake. It's the right track, so carry on.

4) Attempt to sleep later and later every night, by doing #1 and #2. If your usual bedtime is 11 PM, it should have changed to at least a couple of hours later within a couple of months or so. You should be able to stay awake with much less difficulty around this time.

5) If you’ve accomplished #4, you are on your way to becoming an insomniac. Yay! Congrats! But I’m sure by this time someone—your mother, father, roommate, grandma, grandpa, cat, dog, nosy pervert stalker neighbor—is already worried about your sleeping habit. Worry does not always equate to understanding though, so chances are they might want to throttle you half to death just to get you in the damn bed to sleep. But since you don’t want your effort in the past days/weeks/months to go to waste, be vigilant and stay away from people—and pets—that look at you funny. Repeat steps 1 to 4 if necessary, and keep in mind #5 all the time. All the time.

If despite every obstacle that comes your way you are still able to successfully complete this difficult goal, give yourself a satisfied, I’m-so-proud-of-myself kind of pat on the back. But make sure that you have an active health insurance though. After all, some insomniacs have an affinity for hospitals and doctors. Or so I've heard.